video / action ( open ) ][ tlv ]

[interns]

( V I D E O )
[ when the video feed clicks on, Gwen looks... normal. older, by some months. maybe a year. her hair is in loose curls and her bangs are swept to the side, no longer pin-straight like it was when she first arrived here. there's also something lacking in her expression that she would never admit to, and not just because she's trying so hard to appear perfectly normal. fine. I'm fine, thank you. her fingers are fidgeting with the glass charm on her necklace, something she was glad to find still here, left in her room. it wasn't from home, and that might be way she's kind of clinging to it. like it's an anchor. I'm here, this is real, I'm okay. ]

Hi, um.

Hi.

[ yes, good, solid start. ]

I'm not sure how long I was at home, but I hope everyone is well. It feels like it's been months since I was last here, but that can't be right, can it? [ for some reason she can just.. tell. somehow. things look too much like how she remembers it all. it all matches too well for that much time to have gone by. ] Mason, I have your file. I guess that means we're paired up permanently, yeah? Which is good. I'm glad for it.

Um.

[ why is this so hard? ]

Peter, I hope- I really, really hope you came back too, because- [ her eyes shut, she exhales ] I just really hope you're here. [ a h e m ] And everyone else I was starting to get to know, too. I would hate to hear someone left while I was away, since I didn't really get the chance to say goodbye before I went back home. [ hooookay let's not think about that ] Come say hi, okay? I'm just in my room. Big, wide open schedule. [ she smiles, for a short moment, though it's probably more pleading - please come visit - than it is encouraging ]

That's really all I wanted to say, I think. Yeah.


( SPAM / wandering the boat )
[ Gwen's been back for a few hours now, though it seems- longer? shorter? she can't tell what it seems like. she's just been wandering around. this doesn't feel real, it shouldn't be real. she can't stop touching the back of her head, cradling the back of her skull like at any minute she could just-

but she hasn't said anything, not since she first arrived back in her room and did nothing but scream and cry for some unknown amount of time. some irrational part of her wants to apologize to the people on her floor, but she couldn't bring herself to do it. she couldn't bring herself to approach anyone. even looking for Peter seems like a terrible idea, because the idea of him still being at home, after all that, scares her as much as everything else she's just been through. so she's a little dazed, feeling invisible and like she's the center of attention all at once. not in a confident way, of course, not like she used to. she feels like anyone she passes is staring at her, like they know.

like they know that she's dead, and that she shouldn't be here.

she feels like a burden on this place now. a ghost. how do people deal with this kind of thing? she almost wants to ask someone, whoever might walk by next, but she's still trying to remember how to form words. how to breathe without wanting to start crying again. meanwhile, some part of her knows that stopping to talk to someone might actually help, but instead she just keeps wandering. ]

Comments

private/video

[versusnurture]

[Abigail looks different, too. For one thing, she's missing an ear. For another, she's missing a lot of life, a lot of color in her face. She looks pleased to see Gwen, although not exactly excited.]

Can I come over?

private/video

[interns]

[ she notices the differences right away ( well, not the missing ear, but her expression ), but she's hoping maybe it's the video. or something. did something happened here? that worries her more than it should, probably. ]

Yeah, definitely. Please do.

private/video > spam

[versusnurture]

Okay.

[Her voice almost fades out at the end of the word, and then the feed cuts out. She makes her way to Gwen's cabin with speed and care, but without looking much to one side or the other, trying to ignore the other people she passes.]

[Her knock is light and rhythmic, like she's trying to intrude without being intrusive.]

[interns]

[ it takes her a little bit to get to the door, but only because she was uselessly moving things about, like there was a way to make her tidy room tidier. her room here looks identical to her bedroom at home, except the windows are mirrors and her closet isn't full of shoes. not that any of that matters right now, not when the room that once only felt like a little bit of an odd replicate now feels completely foreign. she should change it, maybe to what she imagined her dorm at Oxford would have been like, but that might be worse. anyway, she pulls open the door with a faint sort-of smile, honestly glad to see her there, even if the rest of her emotions are making it difficult to put that across ]

Hi. C'mon in.

[ there's the blue chair Peter collapsed on more than once ( back home and here ), the bench under the "windows" and her bed, if she wants to sit. Gwen sits at the end of her bed, not really nervous, but- ah, maybe she's a little nervous. but in a strangely normal way, when you invite someone into your bedroom for the first time ]

[versusnurture]

[Abigail definitely wants to sit. She isn't sure what she's feeling, exactly - glad Gwen's back, glad she's safe, unsure what to tell her. If she should tell her anything. So much has happened, and most of the things Abigail has done since the last time they spoke have been bad. Really bad.]

[She's ashamed, she realizes in a concrete way for the first time since she got back to the Barge. She's ashamed and she's all wrong and she's sure Gwen is going to notice.]

[She sits in the chair, looking up at Gwen with her hands folded in her lap.]

So. Um. Hi.

. . . What happened?

[interns]

I died.

[ there probably should have been some kind of buffer for that, yep. and she's not even really looking at Abigail when she says it, even as she looks her way, her eyes are unfocused. she doesn't quite just throw that away, but she lets it sit for a second, like she has to figure out if she actually believes it herself. ]

I got excepted into Oxford University, and Peter was going to move there with me, and we saved the city from this guy that practically leveled Time Square because he wanted attention, and then I died. [ for whatever reason, she doesn't feel like she shouldn't tell Abigail something like that. maybe it was because of the little bit she does know about her, maybe it's because of her scar. because she knows Abigail has been through dark things, and she hasn't let it shut her down. not like she's afraid she's going to. ] Everything made sense, and then it was over. And I don't know how the Admiral thinks I'm supposed to be able to help someone else make sense of his life when mine's over. Which is selfish, but that's- that's it, that's what I can't wrap my head around right now.

[ she finally stops, shaking her head and looking down at her lap. she still has grease under her nails from the gears of the clocktower and she can't even bring herself to be embarrassed about it. it's kind of horrifying for her. so she'll deflect. ]

You went home too, didn't you? You left right before me, I think. Are you okay?

[versusnurture]

[Throughout this explanation - which is braver and better put together and smarter and more honest than Abigail expected, than she feels she has a right to - she doesn't look away from Gwen's face. From the distance behind her eyes.]

[Dying hurts. She knows that. She wonders if it hurts more after you think you've done something good than after you think you've done something bad, if being taken away from positivity is worse than being saved from horror. She wonders if it matters.]

[There is a shuddering sigh that she doesn't realize at first comes from her at all, and then she is standing up, crossing the room, sitting next to Gwen and taking her hand, lacing their fingers together.]

I'm fine, [she lies, and then leans her head on Gwen's shoulder.] I died too.

You were a hero?

EXCEPTED?! ACCEPTED nooooo gdi typo woes

[interns]

That means you're not really fine.

[ she leans against the girl almost immediately, her cheek against the top of her head, and she has to force herself not to grip her finger too tight. the contact is exactly what she needs, but she can't bring herself to acknowledge that further than she already has with her body language. it's needy, sure. probably childish.

I died too just makes her want to cling a little tighter. ]

Hero is a very big word, where I'm from. I mean, it's big anywhere, but we have a superhero in my world, and men with badges who fight supervillains, and- I just wanted to help Peter, that's all. I couldn't just sit back and hope he could handle it on his own.

I SAW NOTHING

[versusnurture]

I will be.

[This is a lie, too.]

[Gwen smells like sweet shampoo and sadness. Her nails are neat. Her hair is pretty. Abigail wonders how she doesn't consider herself a hero.]

That sounds like a hero to me. I don't know. Maybe just because I'm not one.

[interns]

I guess- Though I'll only accept it because "fallen hero" sounds better than "victim". Marginally.

[ that is literally the worst kind of lackluster optimism in the entire world, way to go ]

I keep trying to think of this place as a second chance, but so far all I've managed to do is dwell on the fact that I'm dead. It's- we shouldn't be having this conversation, you know? This isn't what I was thinking when I kept hoping to find things we have in common. [ aaaand that was literally the worst joke, too. Gwen Stacy, literally the worst today. ] Sorry. I don't know how to handle this. At all.

[versusnurture]

[It's enough of a joke to make Abigail smile. Not laugh, but smile, like she recognizes it for what it is, a desperate stab at humor in the dark.]

[She squeezes Gwen's hand, shakes her head.]

People aren't supposed to know how to handle their own deaths. They're just supposed to be dead. No handling required. This is uncharted territory.

It doesn't get easier. [She knows from experience.]

[interns]

I just- I feel like it shouldn't be any different from losing someone you love, you know? It happens, and it's awful, and it hurts, but life goes on. Some part of me knows I have to think about it that way, but right now all I want to do is scream and cry and that freaks me out.

[ she makes a 'hn' sound as she shakes her head, just a tiny bit ]

I can't be that person.

[versusnurture]

Life goes on after death?

[She sounds a little amused, deliberately so, to show Gwen the irony in what she's just said. It doesn't make sense. It isn't a fair standard to hold yourself to.]

Everybody has to scream sometimes.

[interns]

[ she huffs as her nose scrunches up a little bit, mumbling a quick- ] You know what I mean. [ more embarrassed than anything else. ]

Screaming about it won't solve anything. It won't make me feel better. It won't make anyone feel better. [ yes of course she's thinking about Peter ] I need to figure out what I'm going to tell Peter. I need to be okay so I can make sure he's okay.

[versusnurture]

Why should you have to tell him anything? You're the one who died. You don't have to fix everything.